Birthday roast..

On Friday my mom will turn 50.
Kinda strange considering that I'm still twentyf..[cough cough]

To her credit she doesn’t look a day over 60… just kidding, you would probably think that she’s in the bottom half of her mid-40s. Good genes and almost 1 billion euros spent in miraculous creams and beauty treatments…

Still, since she is coming off a very hard and rough time, my dad has decided to throw a big party for her, even if she doesn’t seems in the mood for any kind of celebrations right now.

The party will be a surprise party.

(insert gag reflex)

The very simple plan my dad organized is the following:

We made my mom believe that we will go, just the three of us, in a very nice and fancy restaurant for what it will look like a quiet family dinner... to bad that almost 40 of their closest friends (and a few family members, just not the elder ones) will be there waiting for us.

I personally think it is the second crappiest idea my dad ever had (the first one is coming in a second), but that’s just me: after all I did manage to spoil and not show up at MY OWN 18th birthday surprise party…

But I digress…

The first crappiest idea dad ever had is when he decided, a week go, to make me official Mc of the night… meaning I will have to entertain the guest with humorous jokes while the history of my mom in pictures will be showed on a big screen at mid party.

Yes, I’m no freaking kidding.

".. because you have such an International background” which is my family code for: “we paid for your travels since you were a toddler now you owe us ” when they want to make me do things I distaste.

The thing is, I DO have an international background, and I'm going to use it...that’s why I’m planning to turn the night in some kind of “Roast” (definitely not an Italian tradition) :a tasteful one… as tasteful as my sense of decency will allow of course.. [insert evil grin...]

Since I'm the one that will be doing the commentary, I 'm also in charge of the pictures selection for which I have to follow few simple rules:

1) no pics with husband #1 (aka my biological dad) in it, because since IS husband #2 (aka dad) who will be paying for the festivities it would be inappropriate
2) no pics with recently deceased relatives (no parents and no brother)

And with this premises, believe me, being funny isn't gonna be a piece of cake ...

(btw.. speaking of cake... by the information I've gathered the b-day cake will be some sort of multi-layered-3 floor white extravaganza with vanilla cream, whipped cream, meringue, white chocolate and...gold leaves.. :S I'm afraid I'm gettin' type B Diabeitis just typing about it)


Of course I’m working on the comments for the other pictures that I’ve chosen the other day here few samples

• … the first pic in the series will be one of those Egyptian pictograms… “As you can see from one of her earlier pictures, botox do does wonder ”
  
• (about a picture where my mom, her teen years, is skeleton-skinny) … “This one has a particular emotional value for me, because when I first saw this I realized two things: first that thinness isn’t hereditary and second that I finally had something to send over at Kate Moss to make her feel fat”


• (about a picture of her with me on a stroller at 9-10 months near a lake in a park) … “this one was taken right before she threw me in the lake… but to her credit it was in self defence, I was actually trying to strangle her moments before ”


• (about a wedding picture with my dad) “As you can see from the profits stats in this semester, the properties value have considerably rose… oh shoot, wrong cue card…(turn to see the pic) oh well I guess I can use this anyway… ”
  
  And so on…

Between dinner, presents, musical entertainment and more presents, the bill my dad will have to pay is closely resembling a stimulus pack for a third world country...

… to quote a famous commercial:

Dinner in a fancy restaurant for 40+ people : € 3500

Fancy cocktail dress + shoes for me, because “Don’t you dare show up in a suit again” : € 850 (with my dad credit card)

Birthday presents (Prada white leather hobo bag , 2009 collection – which I’m totally gonna steal from my mom - , with coordinated key chain and wallet) : € 2000

The chance to embarrass my parents if front of all their friends?: Priceless…

(well, except for the risk of being evicted from the testament will...)