Holiday!

Finally 2 weeks off... this has been the longest and dreadful summer of my life.. I really miss the 3 months off we had during high school years..

Anyway... tonight I'm living to get to my parents beach house in Tuscany just 1 hour and 15 minutes highway drive from where I live. To bad that I fucking hate that place.. think about Palm Beach, Italian version. Too many People..all the wrong kind. It helps that is also 20minutes drive away from Torre del Lago, namely the Italian Gay Bay... I used to dig that scene...

I'll be staying untill Tuesday just to tan a little, run, play tennis and make my 'rents happy.. why you'd aks? well one day I'd like to inherit and since I've already drop on them the "Lesbian Daughter" bomb, I've to play suck up from time to time.

Now the best part of my 2 weeks off will be the the 8 days I'll spend with GF! FINALLY I might add..

ME + HER + MY PLACE + 8 INTERRUPTED DAYS AND NIGHTS = you can imagine the result! :P

And just 'cause I would like to leave you with something funny look at this pic I took at my work notebook screen...

Notice something??





Too bad my colleagues are a bunch of stiff heteros otherwise they would have got the message :P :P

Happy Summer Holidays to everyone

see you on the 24th..

The way to Klingon

Apparently Italian Universities are running out of ideas of new courses and degrees to offer. It’s recent news that Rome University will be opening a new master degree in “Personal Training” something that should make us reflect on where we’re heading as a society...

Anyway while chatting as always with the Gentleman I suggested that we should probably propose to the dean even more new degrees to keep up with the modern ages…

The first we came up with, since we're stuck with this economic crisis, has been Escorting Siences… How to be a Gigolò in the 2.0 era...

Think about it: no morning classes (even menwhore need their beauty sleep... especially if you banged asses all night long...), for once in an entire life finally some subjects one may really want to study, and the certainty that after the degree you ARE GOING to find a job...

And believe me, we're not kidding... it wouldn't even be the craziest thing in university's history... do you remember Klingon classes? Enough said...

But since me and the Gently can't simply stop once a stupid issue has been found, we've spent almost 30 minutes thinking of the best subjects to put in the curricula, meaning that, and you all knew it, a list is about to be written:-)


PLEASE NOTE: I'm totally unaware of any not Italian university evaluation system, therefore I'll use the only one I know. To get your degree you must collect 180 credits in 3 years, said credits are given by passing exams. Every 27 hours of work (class and home) give you 3 credits.


FIRST YEAR (60 CREDITS)

(4) History of Prostitution - From Eve for an Apple to Paris Hilton;
(4) Terminology - How to always have the right (secure) word to say;
(10) Techniques of Giving Pleasure - You think you know it? Surprise! You don't.
(6) Kamasutra - To grant you a future good position;
(4) History of Pain Modulation - From Torquemada to Madame Brutale;
(10) Shopping 1 - Dress for success;
(6) Phisiology - This is a penis, that is a vagina;
(6) Cosmesis - Basic elements of Liquidproof makeup;
(10) Fitness 1 - Build up your career


SECOND YEAR (60 CREDITS)

(4) Empathy - How to anticipate any of your client's needs;
(10) Economy - Think about what you wanna buy then set the price;
(10) Mental Focusing - They're not all beauty contest winners...;
(6) Shopping 2 - Rubber & Leather;
(10) Fitness 2 - Spread your wings...;
(10) Techniques of Receiving Pleasure - Or pretending you're having some;


THIRD YEAR (60 CREDITS)

(10) Fitness 3 - Now you can rent a flat in Olympus;
(6) Shopping 3 - Things he\she's gonna buy for you;
(4) First Aid - Be prepared for anything;
(40) Practice - Earn a minimum of 10.000 in 2 weeks to get graduated


Something like this... now that's the degree I'd like to have. "Master Degree in Escorting"... but I'm not sure my parents will be glad at the party right after... hahahahahah


The Lady

This could be fun…or really ugly.

I’ve just found out that a new sexy store has opened not more than 3 minutes away from my place… suddenly adding plus 50% to all town sexy shop offer… (btw: 200 thousand people, just 2 sexy shops… are we officially the most sexually dull town in the world or what?)

Anyhoo… to add fun of cosmic proportion…I was surfing the net to see if they had a website (they don’t’) (don't look at me that way.. 2 days ‘till vacation and I’m officially out of things to do at work, you figure..) so I've found out another small detail about the shop… their phone number has just the last cipher different from my home number.. mine is 0 their is 1…

Potentially this could be one of the greatest unintentional karmic/cosmic coincidence ever…
Finally a true reason to keep an answering machine...

I mean… the possibilities for fun are endless… (this should also be a nice sexy shop catch phrase btw...)

Am I immature and childish enough to give away “the wrong” number at any given occasion? YOU BET I AM.

Am I seriously hoping that my mother will be there to pick up the first call from a customer complaining that the vibrator they bought isn’t working properly or asking if we got the last instalment of Debbie Does Dallas XXI or All the President’s men-whore…? YOU BET I AM.

Am I overexcited about it maybe ‘cause I’m bored to death? YES, probably I am…

La Rubrica del Profilo Incontri n°5

"One Night Only, o sesso alla Beyoncé"

Un altra sfaccettatura del diamantone da 200kg che mi si è riproposta di quando in quando nell'ultimo annetto... la meccanica è facile: conosci uno su internet, è simpatico, dalle foto sembra effettivamente uno bono così dopo 2 giri di cam e proposte indecenti velate da inviti a cena siete già li a meditare sul quando e sul come.

Ah, piccolo dettaglio: è oberato di impegni perchè sta partendo, ma non tra una settimana o un mese eh? No, troppo facile. Parte tra 2 giorni e sta a 100km...

Ma lasciatemi spiegare la faccenda in modo puramente e squisitamente personale di modo che chiunque possa capirlo:

"Sono esattamente quelle situazioni in cui dal di fuori potresti aver trovato l'uomo dei tuoi sogni (erotici o meno) ma che per un'intricata tarantella di bastardissime congiunzioni astrali non puoi approfondire dal di dentro perchè manca il tempo materiale per farlo"

E dietro di te, mentre architetti gli orari, il percorso e carichi il navigatore per non perderti riesci distintamente a sentire e vedere il fantasma di quella puttana della Beyoncé che alzando ritmicamente entrambe le dita medie ti canta "Heeeeee's gooooot one night only, one night only...."

All'attivo di questi incontri ne ho almeno una decina, il che mi porta a pensare che o sono io che attiro le farfalle o la casistica cosmica di questo periodo ha un finissimo senso dell'umorismo del quale per ora non colgo profondamente il senso...

Voglio dire, a cosa serve coltivare l'orto con amore quando poi non riesci a mangiarti i finocchi? Specialmente quelli Svizzeri aggiungerei...

La soluzione? Que sera, sera... d'altronde non è che ci si possa fare granché e in ogni caso anche io ad ottobre sarò uno di quelli in partenza... è una ruota che gira.

E poi ci sono volte in cui tutto questo correre per conoscere qualcuno da buoni frutti... specialmente quando ti ritrovi ad una cena con di fronte il tuo obbiettivo in pantaloncini che gioca a fare il ponte levatoio e di fianco, ai fornelli, c'è una stanga di suo miglior amico di 1,83 in slip col culo di marmo che prepara pollo alla senape per tutti facendoti più che altro pensare a quanto preferiresti un paio di gnocchi per dolce...



The Lady

Gentleman's Weaknesses

I've to admit that when it comes to women I've 3 major weaknesses...

I literally can't resist:

1) Women who knows their way around a kitchen and enjoy food;

2) Redheads;

3) Lucy Lawless


But let me explain…

1) I’ve this weird habit, upon meeting a woman for the first time, (any context, not necessary on a date) the first thing that comes to my mind is “how good is she gonna be in bed?” (complete with 1 to 10 rankings… ) but I assure you than is less shallow of how it sounds and it was not always linked by my desire of actually try said women in bed... as I said, it’s just a weird habit of mine.
Basically it's just a matter of body language, smartness, humour and wickedness..
But is proved that certain behaviours and acts in life are also well connected to a certain friskiness and predispositions when in comes to sex…and I know it may sound slightly chauvinistic but none on the less I’ve to admit that this habit of mine helped me a lot during my single years…anyway, through my experiences I did elaborate this very simple connection: “good in the kitchen=good in the bedroom” (and I’m not saying this to beat the drum of my own parade, mind you…). I mean do you have any doubts that the like of Padma Lakshmi , Nigella Lawson , Cat Cora or Giada DeLaurentis are totally firecrackers in the boudoir?
Yeah, me neither…



2) Redheads… it’s pretty simple… my first was a redhead (welsh gal to be precise) and since then I guess I developed a soft spot for the reds and/or auburn haired ones…(my first “more than 2 dates” girlfriend was also redhead, now that I think about it…) which would also easily explain my mild obsession with Tori Amos (BTW: I’ve been recently re-listening all her discography, and boy, was I depressed or what when years ago I spent hours loop-listening songs about rape and domestic violence… geez need some Prozac much?)



3) That’s just So. Obvious. I’m not even gonna waste time explain it...




...so, taken all that I’ve said before, you can imagine my surprise when I've stumbled upon this picture on AE: [insert a OMFG moment here…]





(still from the new series in the works "Spartacus: Sand and Blood" ) and if your eyes are well trained like mine you'll notice some girl-on-girl action and look out for the lucky gal with her hand right in Mrs.Lawless snatch..

The jury is still out about the general effect of the pairing: LUCY + RED HAIR... (I'm very much partial for her brunette self, I do enjoy my classics after all...) but still... I’ve only one thing to say that not involve the words "thud" or "yummy"…
I'm VERY lucky that my VERY understanding and beautiful GF allowed me to keep Lucy as my " Celebrity crush freebie" :))

...now if just the TV Gods would have the splendid idea of putting her as guest judge on Top Chef I'd die a happy lesbian...

Money, Money,Money...

There’s this lottery game in Italy called “Superenalotto” it’s a lot like the Powerball game you have in the US… to win the first prize you have to get 6 numbers picked out of 90 (you win also with 5, 4, 3 and 5+1 jolly number).

This Saturday the first prize is about 105 millions euro (around 140 millions $). Yep, you read it right.. that’s a boatload of money.
Unless you are a sport phenomenon, a business nerd, a trust fund baby or Bernie Maddoff…

Thinking about it I believe that's entirely too much money for just one person to spend… unless you have the sort of very expensive taste that makes your home gain a sure spot on CRIBS ’cause you bought a gold carved toilet or a plasma tv the size of a soccer’s field and your bed is surrounded by a pool…

Anyway… it’s not like I’m gonna win it (I did buy a 5 combination card though..) but it’s fun anyway to think about what one is gonna possibly do with all that money.

Like: "Would you keep your job or profession even if filthy rich?" I sure won't.

I always joke with GF (actually those jokes are the main reason why I've started play this game in the last couple of weeks) that with all that money all our “distance issues" will disappear immediately!
Either I’ll buy a bigger house here or an house there where she lives or we will just move away wherever we feel like. Not a bad plan if you think about it.. plus we are not the kind of gals with expensive taste...as long as the home I'll buy is a super geek house with all the latest Apple's gizmos wired inside for GF and with a gym, a tennis court and a big kitchen for me I believe we will be happy and set as long as we need it... You know, just enjoying our life with ulimited credit lines on amazon.com and Ebay, making love all day long and breeding Westies :P

But domesticity dreams aside.. what would YOU do with all that kind of money? This are my 5 top silly choices:

(I’m voluntarily putting aside any donations and charity ideas.. why? Because we’re talking dreams here and no one is a philanthropist in dreams, we all are greedy and excessive… but if I ever had that kind of money I'll either create a Charity Fundation or make annual donations for cancer research and one for funding dog shelters )


But back into shallowness…

1) Since I'm a child trapped in a woman's body...I’ll buy either this or this then probably sell it after I realize that a 200 mph car isn’t exactly flying when you have a 90mph limit to respect…I’m not gonna spend 140 millions in fines!

2) I’ll go to any top ATP world tour event in a calendar year.. meaning: Melbourne (Australian Open), Indian Welles, Miami, Montecarlo, Rome, Madrid, Paris (Roland Garros-French Open), London (Wimbledon), Toronto/Montreal, Cincinnati *, New York (US Open), Paris-Bercy, Shanghai, London (Master Cup) (* Cincinnati.. ewww...I know.. wtf.. but hey you only have 140 millions to spend once in a lifetime… unless your name is Gates, Jobs, Woods or Madonna… )

3) I’ll buy the rights of “Fried Green Tomatoes” and have Jamie Babbit or Angela Robinson re-direct it with the original cast (at least Mary Stuart Masterson and Mary Louise Parker.. the others, who cares).. but this time with a very much maintext lesbian storyline.(what can I say...young adulthood traumas are not washed away easily...)

4) I’ll will follow Angelina Jolie around the third world in all her humanitarian efforts and then bid on the same orphans she’d pick.. just to piss her off and see if she can go back to Crazy-Angie… (btw.. that’s how she got hers babies right?)

5) I’ll put an HIT on Ilene Chaiken… Sorry I know it’s kinda bitter but she has to pay… in the name of Dana Fairbanks, crappy season finale, logic and continuity!


Crap, now I’ve at least another 10 stupid desires that come to my mind…anyway.. I’ve shared mine, not you share yours!

God save the Lady

And believe me the title is only for geographic purposes... because of course I have faith in something higher... but it's something I may buy someday.

Anyway this is the big news of the period: I'm moving to London. Since from October I will no longer own my shop and I will no longer have anything to keep me here in Italy I've decided to leave almost all behind and go somewhere else. London is my best option.

Sure I'd like to buy Japan someday... but hey... everyone needs a starting point isn't it?

Let's just say I've been there 10 years ago a couple of times and I think I had the first crush in my life... for a city ahhahahaha:-)

Not to mention gay life will be easier than here where a gay guy still have to hide from everyone and must learn by heart the "How to be an amazing sex spy" manual in order to live another day...

But back to the issue: I'm moving permanetly.

In order to do that I'll need two basic simple things: a job and a bed (and no, working in my bed would be nice, but not a good option).

Bad thing is that I don't think I'll find anything in websistes because of my job: being a barman/bar manager/cook makes things difficult because you usually have to go directly in a place and ask for hiring... but my CV is on at least 15 different employement websites, I'm quite confident I'll receive at least one call before October.

Strange thing is the room: I had dozens of offers in all London (how about that?) but I don't think I'll be able to accept any of them before I leave Italy since I'd prefer to stay the closest I can to my working place... problem is I don't have one, yet.

And then a came up to my mind some days ago... I'd really like to work in a porn shop. No kidding. It'd be the best way to do something people will appreciate, that I could be proud of (meaning I'd make people happy), and something that will automatically exclude any possibility of dealing with my biological enemy: children.

I mean, I'm an ice cream seller, I make people happy so I'm proud of it, but really, I can't stand screaming children. It's amazing to understand such things with such delay huh?

Yes, I have a dream... thousands of people using their toys, watching their x-rated movies, using their dominator suits... and when they'll be about to get to the "point"... they'll all have my face in their mind...

Isn't making a thousand people come without a single sweat drop from my forehead a big accomplishment?

So, dear readers, it's time to help the Lady: I know that among you there must be someone from London that could do something. If there's vacant job I'll take it, no matter what it is, just let me know. Thanks


The Lady

Well secluded beneath ice cream but still alive

Just when the Gentleman started believing I was finally out of the way in this blog... here I am ready to show up again to bring some male (...) point of view on... well... anything my mind comes up with.

While surfing on the tube I bumped into these two videos buried in my past... note for everyone: back in 1992 and 1993 I was (9 then 10) totally unaware of any meaning of any English/American single word besides love and fuck so you can imagine that these were too much for me to fully comprehend. I did last week and believe me, LMAO is not enough to explain...






Another reason to love the 90's...

The Lady

Who said Italians have no sense of humour?

Seen at today G8 Summit's inauguration at L'Aquila, Italy.

President Obama was one of the first to arrive.

The town and the region had been almost completely destroyed no more than 3 months ago (330 deaths) by a terrible earthquakes. Many of the habitants are still living in tend camps. The summit, which should have been held in Sardinia, was moved to L'Aquila by the Government as a measure to get world leaders acknowledge the tragedy. (or as many other said, was just a stunt made for publicity ).

I know, I'm a lucky bastard...

Love is when your girlfriend cares so much about your health that she warns you to eat abundantly before coming visit her

(after have been 5 weeks apart)

because she has no intention of letting you out of the bedroom for at least 36 hours…

The Great Mall of China...

Text messages conversation with my dad who’s right now wondering up and down Beijing and the Great Wall of China with my mom for a week long holiday/work trip…

Dad: “After half a day of shopping with
your mother we are still alive. Barely. Kisses.”

Me: “After half a day of shopping I’m surprised that mom hasn’t been put yet in the
list of the biggest "Made in China" importer right behind Wal-Mart...”

Dad: “we still have two full days ahead of us…anything
can still happen”

Me: “I feel for your Platinum Visa…”

Dad: “and I feel for your inheritance… ”

Frakk...

You should know that right before departure, our family physician had the wonderful idea to suggest my shopaholic mother a mall in Beijing where all the biggest European designer’s outfit and products are sold at Chinese prices…meaning that an original* Valentino silk tie can cost you 1 euro… nevertheless to say that must have been the greatest news my mom ever received since her first sonogram...

(* it looks like it's common for Chinese factories which work and produce for the western world, to use the same materials and techniques to produce the exact same clothes - with desingner's brand-, only that those are "destined" only for the Chinese market, hence the prices are ridiculously low...)

They left with 2 suitcases, and isn’t hard to imagine that that number will be easily doubled before departure…

As always I’ve instructed my mother about potential souvenirs and gift for me.. to ease the process I wrote down to her 3 simple rules to follow, to avoid the usual domestic drama scene: she buy me something that she thinks is perfect for me, while I find it hideous.. of course I can’t hide the fact that I do find it hideous and she ends up taking it personally as if I was doing it just to piss her off…

Anyway the rules for mom are (and this time I called my dad as witness… ‘cause you’ll never know…)

Rule n.1: If you like it and you’d wear it, then do not buy it for me… we absolutely have not the same taste…in ANYTHING.. it’s been 26 years now, you should have coped with it.

Rule n.2: considering rule n.1 if it something you don’t like or would never wear then there is an high chance that I would like it
(side note to rule n.2… rule n.2 does not apply in case you utter the words “Do you have it in pink or with flowery prints?”)

Rule n.3: if rules n.1 and 2. are satisfied than remember that if it fits you I’ll need a size more…since your concept of “form fitting” includes belly button showing and boobs exposure..

Side note to rule 1, 2 and 3: Remember if the aforementioned rules are to strict to abide, then you should now that cash is always a respectable solution

Or...you know, she could always follow Shane's advice...



...but considering my mother strong will and utter refusal of reality I suppose she would end up convincing Kate that pink and cocktail dresses suits her, that she'd need to put on at least 15 lb and have a boobs job... :S

Update: I’ve received a phone call from Mother about her recent shopping frolics…
It’s not a mall but a whole market's street with indeed thousands of designer’s brand clothes…
Hereafter the approximate amount of stuff bought by my parents in a 4 hour span (I’m no fucking kidding)

For her:
2 Pucci’s dress
2 Prada’s suit
Undisclosed amount or raw silk (various colours) than later will be sawn as various dresses
4 cashmere twin set sweaters
2 Burberry trench. same model: one white, one black
2 D&G tops
2 Miu Miu sling backs

For Dad (he says a lot about mother's shopping hobits but he's even worse than her...)
Armani wool and cashmere trench
Belstaff raincoat
2 pair of Ferragamo sail man moccasin (and he did not have a boat)
2 tailor made (they tailored it in one day) suits
20 ties
4 to 6 (mother couldn’t remember) cashmere sweaters
And an undisclosed amount of Polo’s shirt (probably between 10 and 15.)

For me
2 Pucci’s top
2 v-necks cashmere sweaters
A Dolce and Gabbana biker jacket
Half a dozen of Abercrombie t-shirts
3 Hilfinger Oxford shirts white, black and blue.

Plus some other things that she was not going to confess, which frankly scare the shit out of me..

We ended the conversation with mom saying that she was going to bring back to Italy also her Chinese masseuse.. “ ’Cause you have no idea how wonderful those girls are… incredible skilled hands”… I’m surprised of how much she sounds like a cougar lesbian when she’s enjoying her revamped moment of colonialism…